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Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
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Update;
The bands well and truly underway, we have a steady line up and some additionals if needed, a photographer, a possible producer, and a recording studio.
I havent cut for 2 days.
I can get a shorter bar for my labret in 2 weeks
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I havent written in here for a while, I think I reached my lowest point and was terrified of coming back. After I took the pills I was scared I would do it again, so I told a few people. My closest friends, and none of them cared! I even brushed over it in my public livejournal in a desperate attempt to be told I was worth something, and of everyone it was Leigh who acted at all bothered.
I told Kymm what happened a few days ago, she told me *been there done that* and then told me that I had changed and she couldnt be my friend anymore.
*Fuck you, how dare you have pretended to be a friend?!*
I wouldnt have told people a year ago, I would have just got on with it. But I cant anymore. Maybe I have changed. I'm not scared of death but I'm so fucking scared that I'm going to kill myself! I have to play a battle of wits against myself everytime I'm at home to stop myself.
Anyway, I cant do this sharing shit anymore. Noone's really bothered and it's just getting me down.
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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
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Fuck, apparently neither my computer or my camera belong to me anymore. My mother is refusing to remember that she bought me the camera after she broke my one, and the computer which I got for my 14th birthday is now hers because the fucked up 2nd hand moniter blew on the other one and apparently it was my fault.
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Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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| Time: | 10:06 am. |
| Mood: |  distressed. |
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I felt disjointed from my body, I abused it. I slashed myself with razors and knives. The recreational scars left me feeling unfufilled, I started taking pills. I dont know what, I dont know how many. Not enough to die, to many to be sure of anything.
I did some of my art, my abuse of self, lack of sleep and general messing of my body through fucking around with eating disorders led me to hallucinate, everything flickered, changed colours, drifted quickly in and out of Consciousness for a few seconds at a time. Put that ontop of this fucking illness, whatever the fuck it is. I cant breath in properly without running out of space for the air, or say a whole sentance without running out of the air I can get in.
I went to bed at about 1, took ages to get to sleep and then woke up in pain at 6. I think everything went back to normal at about nine, my bodies doing as it should.
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Untitled
A disjointed triangle on my hip, spelling my obsession. It points towards my navel. Distraught, fervent, burning.
How could you make me feel this way? What have I done to deserve this?
I sliced away my innocense because it occupied me.
I wanted you to see that I could hurt me too.
Pull away the boundries *honey* waste away with me.
Look at this awhile, can you see the empty lonliness inside.
Indifferent survival
Is this what things have come to? I toy with life, cuts reveal stories all over my body.
Pick pills out of the box, a candy lottery. Dont question. Dont count. Dont care.
Swallow death, cling to life. It's all in the luck of the draw. You cant push me over, you cant pull me back. This is my indifferent survival.
Is it his fault, her fault, their fault? It's probably my fault, it always is.
Why did you lie? Every falsity echoes through my head. He lied, she lied, it doesnt matter now, this is my funeral, rebirth, long night, late bloomer.
Is this the ending? I hope so? I guess not. I dont know, dont care.
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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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| Time: | 10:56 am. |
| Mood: |  lethargic. |
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I could truthfully say *I'm okay* But I'd be lying...
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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
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| Time: | 9:01 am. |
| Mood: |  exhausted. |
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I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
'Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
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Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
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I cry silently I cry inside of me I cry hopelessl// I cry Cause you're not here with me I cry Cause I'm lonely as can be I cry hopelessly.
Dome was fine, saw people I knew. Hugged them and people I met through them. Got chatted up. I didnt feel like kissing people.
Saw him, he looked manky but I hid in the toilets crying anyway. He has a boyfriend now. Ha, I ment soo much to him.
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Thursday, September 19th, 2002
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My ex boyfriend has started calling himself Skeeter [Our name for him] and decided that he is gay.
Hm, how fucking convienient.
He thinks that he is going to be playing at the club with the band that he has been in for five days and assumes that he is some sort of god of the London underground scene.
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Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
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Piercings: 8.
Hair colour: Bright red/pink.
Favourite Bands: Nirvana, Hole, Manic Street Preachers, Barenaked
Ladies, Sex Pistols.
Other bands: Weezer, Jack off Jill, Saves the Day, Less than Jake, AFI, NOFX, misfits, Amen, The Distillers, Stoopi, Sham 69, The Beatles, Def Leppard, The Kinks, Led Zep, Finch. Etc.
Interests: The 'alternative' london scene, pro choice, poetry, music, gigs, reading, internet, Art, Jenny Holzer, Punk covers.
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Monday, September 16th, 2002
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In my sole sociology lesson they were talking about how in the family your special, and your parents will be biased in your favour.
Hah, I fucking wish.
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| Time: | 4:11 pm. |
| Mood: |  cynical. |
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Yesterday I almost cried, If I had mamaged it this would have been the first time in month that I have been able to do so except once which was brought on by alcohol.
I got so near I almost thought I could feel my soul thawing out inside of me.
I wish that I had never given up the will to live.
Maybe it would have been better if I had loved him, crying would be better than just condemning him for being part of the lying scum that builds up the protective barrier of rot on both the earth and myself.
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Saturday, September 14th, 2002
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I was never much fun to be around anyway.
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imwritingagain's journal
